Everything Rachael Kirkconnell Said About Her Breakup With Matt James

Rachael Kirkconnell is speaking out after her shocking breakup with Matt James on Jan. 16. In a Jan. 28 Call Her Daddy interview, Kirkconnell shared all the split details with host Alex Cooper. During the conversation, she confirmed that she was “blindsided” by the breakup, which happened only a few hours before James shared it with the world.

The couple, who dated for four years, broke up during a trip to Tokyo, Japan. Per Kirkconnell, she did not see it coming. “We were literally talking about engagement, marriage, all the things on that trip,” she said. They got into a few small disagreements, but she did not think it was anything that they could not work past.

However, right before Kirkconnell left for her flight home, James decided to call it quits. During that breakup conversation, the former Bachelor told her that he was not ready for marriage and was not sure if he saw her as his future wife. “I can’t stick around after that even if I want to — even if it’s hard for me to let go and I love him so much and I wanted him to be my partner,” she told Cooper. “I think when someone says that to you… you have to give it up at that point.”

Here are all the details she shared about their split on the podcast.

They Talked About Engagement Rings Months Earlier

Fans speculated that James and Kirkconnell’s split could have been related to him not proposing. (Reminder: They met on a dating show where the end goal is an engagement.) It turns out, being on different timelines was a point of tension between the two of them. However, a few months before the breakup, James was hinting at a future proposal.

“We talked about rings,” Kirkconnell told Cooper. “He told me a few months ago to start saving some things, picking things out, or that we should go look at some. That was a big deal. I was like, ‘Wow, OK, he really is on board.’”

Apparently, Kirkconnell believed that James coming from a “broken home” (his parents were divorced) was a factor in his hesitation to propose. But she said it seemed like they were starting to get on the same page. “That was such a a green flag to me. I felt like the longer we were together, the more he was able to talk about it,” she said. “At first, I could tell it was something that did scare him a lot, or it was a really hard thing for him to to talk about. It just seemed easier and easier as our relationship went on, so I felt like that was a good sign.”

James was also quipping about a future engagement on social media. “The words were there but the actions weren’t,” Kirkconnell added. “I think he did love me or does really love me, and I think he wanted it to work out. I think he wanted to picture it… He still just doesn’t think that I’m the person for him.”

They Discussed Having A Family Together

An engagement wasn’t the only milestone Kirkconnell and James planned for their future. “We talked about family and kids more than anything,” Kirkconnell said.

Those discussions have made the breakup ever more difficult for her to process and heal from. Before their split, she said she was “picturing these kids that are obviously no longer a thing.”

“One of the saddest things about it is just picturing your life with someone and thinking like that is how your life's going to look,” she added. “Now, it's just all taken away.”

He Said She Didn’t Take “Accountability”

Although their relationship looked picture-perfect on social media, Kirkconnell shared that they did not have the best approach to conflict resolution. “I was always trying to remind him that we are on the same side, and the problem is the problem,” Kirkconnell said.

But in her eyes, one pattern kept repeating itself. “I feel like I was apologizing a lot even if I was the one that was mad about something,” she said.

However, James said the opposite. “But at the end of the relationship, he basically said that I have a hard time taking accountability and apologizing,” she added.

The Night Before The Breakup Was Tense

The night before the breakup, James and Kirkconnell got into a disagreement about finding a place to eat. (James is a content creator who focuses on food reviews while traveling.)

“I was trying so hard to find like a good dinner spot for us because the spot we ended up wanting to go to was closed or something. So, we were scrambling,” Kirkconnell recalled. She had just started her period and said she felt lot of “pressure” to find a good restaurant because it’s a huge part of James’ career.

He said “no” to helping her find a place. When they arrived at the restaurant and it was “disappointing,” Kirkconnell said she teared up, but quickly got over it. They did not talk during dinner or on the ride back to the hotel.

Back at the hotel, Kirkconnell said he didn’t comfort her (and added that he usually let her “move through the emotions” on her own despite her preferring the opposite). Then, James told her that her being upset about the restaurant was a red flag. “He was concerned about me getting so upset. He was like, ‘There was no reason for you to get upset like that ... like if you get emotional about little things like this, what is going to happen in life when something really terrible happens? How are you going to be able to react to things that are actually really scary or disappointing or sad?’”

Kirkconnell felt like she was “being punished for crying,” but they were seemingly able to smooth things over until the next day.

He Said They Weren’t “Compatible”

The actual breakup blindsided Kirkconnell. “It’s so hard to grasp because I don’t even know if he knew it was coming or if it was the heat of the moment,” she said. “Everything was fine the night before. We didn’t have an argument but I was feeling very overwhelmed.”

The following day, she could sense that he was irritated. “I was scrolling through my phone showing him a bunch of videos… I guess I was bothering him. I was like, ‘Even if I’m annoying you, don’t treat me like that,’” she recalled.

When they got to a market, they split up to do their own things, which was atypical for the couple. After they arrived back at the hotel, they had a bigger conversation, which resulted in James ending things.

“He really let out everything that I guess he had been feeling for a while,” she said. “There were just qualities about me that he worries about having in a wife. At the end of the day, there are things that we aren’t compatible with. And the whole accountability and saying sorry and all… that was really the main thing.”

Still, Kirkconnell was confused by what he was saying. “A few days before, we’re talking about how he feels lucky to have me as a partner,” she added.

Matt Wasn’t Ready For Marriage

During their conversation, James said that he thought he “should want to propose” at this point in the relationship, but he was not there yet. “[He was like,] ‘I don’t know if I ever see myself proposing to you, I can’t actually see myself married to you.’ He said that maybe one day he would get there, but he doesn’t feel ready now.”

Kirkconnell felt like they were far enough into their relationship for him to feel confident about where they were headed. “I told him, ‘I feel like after four years you should know or you should feel ready. If you don’t, then that’s not a good thing. We probably shouldn’t be together.’”

However, she wasn’t sure if his uncertainty was related to her or his own fears about marriage and commitment. She continued, “He came to the conclusion that he didn’t think it was me. He said he didn’t want me to end up resenting him by wasting more of my time if it wouldn’t happen.”

His decision took her by surprise. “He said, ‘You’re beautiful, smart, and funny, and you’ll find someone — a guy that will love you for you,’” she recalled. “But he just didn’t think that it was him. It’s just a lot to hear at once because a few days before I’m hearing the opposite.”

She Was Shocked By His Breakup Post

Following their conversation, Kirkconnell left for the airport to head back to Atlanta, Georgia. Right before the 12-hour plane ride, she received a text from her best friend, questioning James’ Instagram post about the breakup. (James posted two to three hours after their conversation, and he did not given her a heads up before posting.) Soon after, she lost service for the plane ride.

When Kirkconnell landed, she sent a voice memo to her friends, explaining what happened. She drove home from the airport and went right to bed. According to her, she has mixed feelings about the Instagram post. “I still don’t know if he reacted out of anger or spite or if he didn’t mean it. To be totally honest with you, if he didn’t post it so publicly right after he broke up with me I don’t even know where we’d be right now,” she said.

Cooper and Kirkconnell also discussed James’ wording in the caption. ICYMI, he wrote, “Father God, give Rachael and I strength to mend our broken hearts. Give us a peace about this decision to end our relationship that transcends worldly understanding. Shower our friends and family with kindness and love to comfort us. And remind us that our Joy comes from you, Lord 💔.”

According to Kirkconnell, this phrasing was “very him.” She added, “It didn’t surprise me that he said it like that.” Kirkconnell continued, “Saying it like a prayer was the easier way to say it than to say something … authentic to like our actual relationship.”

Though she avoided saying anything truly negative about her ex, she did admit that his posting felt “disrespect[ful].” She added, “When I step back and really look at everything, I’m mad. Yes, that’s f*cked up. He should not have done that to me after four years. He didn’t even text me to give me a warning.”

Matt Called Her After The Breakup

Kirkconnell and James have talked since breaking up. About five days later, James called her to check in. According to Kirkconnell, they discussed his IG post, and he seemed to “regret” sharing it. Afterwards, he called every few days to check in until Kirkconnell told him that he no longer needed to.

Although they seem to be on somewhat good terms, Kirkconnell seemed confident that they would not be getting back together. “I don’t think I can, which is sad. I don’t think I can because when someone says those things he said… that’s when you have to call it quits,” she explained. “Of course, there’s a part of me that wishes that we could just get back together and pretend none of this ever happened, but that’s not the case. As hard as it is, I think the right decision is just to stand up for myself and be on my own.”

She continued, “I forgive him, but I just don’t think I can be with someone that … disrespected me. At the end of the day, you have to stand up for yourself even if you don’t want to.”