Watching The Horny Masterpiece Cruel Intentions For The First Time

I have an unwavering love for two things: horny dramas and supporting women’s wrongs. So, why did it take me until now to experience the legendary 1999 film Cruel Intentions? It’s a question that will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I have no excuse for the fact that I waited my whole 24 years of life to watch what would become my new favorite masturbation material. But what did inspire me to press play was the news that a TV series remake of the film would be gracing screens Nov. 21 — and there’s nothing I love more than an eight-episode Prime Video marathon.

For a quick refresher, Sebastian (Ryan Phillippe) is a playboy and professional gaslighter who seduces and manipulates women on the reg. He’s feeling bored with his current prospects and decides to go after the innocent Annette (Reese Witherspoon), who is saving herself for true love. Sebastian’s stepsister Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar) decides to wager a bet with him: If he fails to sleep with Annette, Kathryn wins his fancy car. But if he does bed the virgin, Kathryn will give him what he’s always wanted: sex with her. I feel it’s important to mention that she specifies “You can put it anywhere.”

A lot more happens after that — and plenty of it is problematic, like Sebastian and Cecile’s nonconsensual hookup — so if you want a super accurate and organized retelling of the plot, you should probably visit Wikipedia. But if you want to hear the unfiltered, horny thoughts that crossed my mind while viewing Cruel Intentions for the first time, you’ve come to the right place.

1. This man is a psychopath, right? I hate him.

Five minutes in, and I’m not obsessed with the fact that Sebastian is a love bomber who seduces women only to take nude photos of them to post online, in an effort to expose these teenage (!) girls as “sluts” and ruin their reputation.

2. Oh, I should have watched this film privately.

With my vibrator, might I specify. Every single scene in this film was like a new category of porn. The cello lesson? Girl-on-girl kissing in the park? The general edging between stepsiblings? My roommate and I have literally watched porn together (in a platonic, research-centric sort of way) but watching this film together felt even more intimate.

3. This movie is doing terrible things for women.

This is surely an obvious take in 2024, but Cruel Intentions was built on the idea that promiscuous women are bad, undesirable, and deserve to be conquered and then slut-shamed. When Sebastian decides he wants to bang Annette — because it’s far more fun to have sex with someone “pure,” right? — he literally says, “She will be my greatest victory.” They’re not even pretending to be sex-positive.

4. Wait, I lied. This is a women’s empowerment film.

Sebastian’s character may be a patriarchal psycho, but Kathryn is a fierce feminist who wields the power of her sexuality. My favorite quote of the entire film is when she stares her stepbrother right in the face and says, “God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex!” I need that tattooed on my body, like yesterday.

5. The infantilization of Selma Blair’s character is weird AF.

I get that Cecile, played by Selma Blair, is meant to be seen as a young, impressionable girl. But she is infantilized to such an extreme, with her mannerisms, speech, and actions portraying her as less like a teenager and more like a little kid — all while being played by a 27-year-old actor. This portrayal was uncomfortable to watch, especially as she got corrupted throughout the movie.

6. Where are their parents?

There are two adults in this film. The first is the racist, sexist Mrs. Caldwell, and the second is the random aunt who went inside for iced tea one day and never went out. Where TF are the grown-ups?

7. Wait, I missed the part where Sebastian and Annette fell in love.

This confusion may be on me, because I was giving zero attention to that boring couple and putting all of my focus and energy toward manifesting that the stepsiblings f*cked. When did Sebastian stop manipulating Annette and develop genuine feelings for her? I blinked and all of a sudden this incredibly mismatched pair was in love.

8. Miss girl had ample time to get out of the way of that car.

Girl, what are you doing lingering in the middle of the street? Annette decided to have a main character moment and take 10 years to get up off the ground, leading to Sebastian’s (hilariously out-of-the-blue) death. I’m not saying it’s her fault… but I feel like logistically she could have moved faster.

9. Kathryn does not deserve this level of hate. She was just being a CEO.

It’s very possible that I took away all of the wrong lessons from this movie. But I despise the fact that Sebastian got to die a martyr — despite coercing women and sharing revenge porn — while Kathryn became the villain simply because she wanted to get a little revenge and a lot of sex. I’m not saying she’s perfect or even ethical, but I am saying she’s a bad b*tch.

It appears that my takeaways oscillate between being critical of the patriarchy and horny — which, TBH, are my two main emotions, so that tracks. For the 2024 remake, I have two wishes: The first is that the more problematic elements are corrected and the misogyny levels are significantly lowered. The second, more critical wish, is for the stepsiblings to finally do it. I cannot bear to be teased any longer.