I Watched Spring Breakers For The First Time & It Was… A Lot

I have had 11 glorious years to watch the classic film Spring Breakers, and yet, I only got to it last week. I have no excuse, except for the fact that I was 13 when it released in theaters in 2013, and even 24-year-old me felt scandalous watching this movie.

This wild ride of a film follows four besties who are dying to travel for spring break but don’t have the funds, so they casually rob a restaurant, journey to Florida, and get in with the wrong crowd. There’s endless nudity, drugs on drugs, and cold-blooded murder — all to the soundtrack of Skrillex. “Am I literally watching porn right now?” I thought to myself many times while viewing. The whole two hours and 13 minutes, I couldn’t decide if I should hide under the covers or pull out my vibrator. (At different times, both happened.)

My overarching sentiment while watching this bizarre film could be summarized by one word: confusion. How was this movie not canceled, for an unlistable amount of reasons? Was this a complete sexualization of women, or did they feel empowered? Was it stupid or satirical, making fun of itself? I couldn’t nail it down, so I decided to let go of the actual questions I had about this film and simply vibe. This led to a whole other list of slightly less serious but far more pressing thoughts.

Before diving in, I’d like to set clear expectations that I will not be referring to any of the characters by their movie-given names. Vanessa Hudgens will never be “Candy” to me; Selena Gomez is Selena, not “Faith.” And there is no way in this entire universe that James Franco could be “Alien.” My brain is incapable of making this switch, so we will be using their real names. OK, now, let’s discuss.

1. I love the representation of different areola sizes.

My initial thought while starting this movie on a flight was “Oh, my God, why did no one tell me not to watch this in public? My screen is covered in boobs.” But on second thought, I loved seeing boobs of many shapes and sizes represented. It was a great day for girls with larger areolas — no one can make us feel insecure anymore.

2. What filter is this movie using, and how do I put it over my Instagram thirst traps?

This neon, black light filter is now everything to me. How do I replicate this in my pictures? How do I get this lighting to follow me around everywhere? Everyone looks dirty — like, actually filthy — yet so attractive. It’s a need, not a want.

3. Just girly things: robbing someone at gunpoint!

I love how they debriefed this initial robbery like it was any other outing. “Guys, that was so fun! We should really do that more often” was the general post-robbery group chat vibe. They should try grabbing a sweet treat or taking a stroll around Target. Maybe then they wouldn’t have the desire to commit crimes.

4. Is this what men think girls do when they’re alone?

Either director Harmony Korine has a wild imagination, or he actually thinks that when girls are hanging out they sing Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” and touch each other sensually. I will never move on from Vanessa’s line “Seeing all this money makes my pussy wet.” Have you ever met a woman who would willingly refer to her vagina as a “pussy” in a nonsexual setting?

5. There’s not enough time in the world to discuss James Franco’s sleaze.

Maybe my personal views on Franco are clouding my opinion here, but… everything about his character feels like a direct insult to humanity. And why does he play it so well? I hate that.

6. Selena Gomez thinks her grandma would love it here.

Selena, are you there? Are you seeing what we are seeing? Or does your grandma actually love flashing her titties, doing body shots, and snorting coke? If so, you’re right; she’d love it!

7. This group = my nightmare blunt rotation.

When I smoke a joint, I want to light up with a puzzle and some light Gilmore Girls viewing. I can only imagine that this squad would force me to shoot guns and rob innocent people and then laugh about how goofy we are.

8. JAMES FRANCO SUCKING ON A GUN.

Nothing could have prepared me for this moment: James Franco hardcore sucking a loaded gun like a penis and then declaring that he’s found his soulmates. I think he and I may be looking for different things.

9. There is nothing funnier than these girls wanting to see the world and traveling to… St. Pete, Florida.

No shade to Florida — it’s a beautiful, sandy spot. But it’s not the most wanderlusty destination. And there is certainly a comedic element to these friends calling home about how they’re brand-new people after partying there. “Mommy, I think that’s the secret to life,” Ashley Benson’s character tells her mom in the last 10 minutes of the film. “Being a good person.” OK, groundbreaking queen! Go murder all those people now.

10. What would it be like to go about life with that little anxiety?

I couldn’t help but question the logistics of their crimes. Are they worried about fingerprints? Did they have a plan walking in, or was the plan just “shoot everyone”? Are they concerned about laced drugs, STIs, or, I don’t know, getting murdered? I cannot imagine going about my days with so few worries.

11. Britney Spears playing while they commit robberies in slow motion was *chef’s kiss*.

This was the scene that converted me to this movie. The bright pink criminal masks. The matching swimsuits. I get it now. I see the vision. It was just ridiculous enough to make complete sense.

It was at that moment that I became a fan of Spring Breakers. While I’m not sure I’ll ever watch it again, I could finally appreciate it for what it is — which is still something that I’m not sure I’m able to put into words. So, I guess you’ll just have to watch for yourself to find out.