I Want To Date Women, But I’m Too Scared To Start. Help!

Q: I’m recently single and hoping to explore my sexuality after years of dating men. For a long time, I’ve thought I might be attracted to women, but I don’t really know how I identify and am scared to try queer dating when I have no experience. Do I need to say I’m queer or bisexual or pan if I don’t really know yet? Do I need to mention on dates that I’ve never done this before? SOS! — Sam*

A: Hi, Sam! First of all, congratulations on getting to this point. It takes bravery to recognize something about yourself that might be scary or unfamiliar and have the courage to say it out loud. Compulsory heterosexuality is pervasive in culture — allow me to direct you to the viral lesbian master doc for more info about this — so even the act of saying you want to explore possibilities outside of that binary is major. I’m thrilled for you.

When I first decided I wanted to date women — after years of thinking I might be bisexual and avoiding doing anything about it — I was terrified. I overthought every detail, from how forthcoming I should be on apps about my lack of experience to what “right” I had to date queer people when I wasn’t even certain yet that I was one. (Let me state clearly that you belong in queer spaces, even if you don’t know where you fall on the spectrum. I wish I had believed this at that time!)

The simplest answer to your question is that you don’t *need* to do anything except what feels right. If you want to open your dating apps up to people other than men, go for it — you don’t owe anyone a label or an explanation. If it would soothe your nerves to share that you’re new to this, you can absolutely do so, but it’s also OK if you prefer to keep that info to yourself.

A crucial part of exploration is allowing yourself the space and freedom to figure things out.

I would also encourage you to avoid thinking too far ahead here. A crucial part of exploration is allowing yourself the space and freedom to figure things out, and you likely won’t know how you’re comfortable identifying (or if you even want a label) until you allow your queerness to take shape. Try going on one date and seeing how you feel, but also recognize that you won’t have it all figured out after your first queer date or kiss or hookup.

This is also a great time to lean on LGBTQ+ friends to cheer you on, and ask them to come with you to queer spaces where you can meet new people. My friends were hugely supportive when I was newly dating women and massively stressing out about it, and they played a central role in helping me step into myself. (In the time since, I’ve made being bisexual my whole personality on the Internet. Three cheers for growth!)

No matter how you go about it, give yourself the grace to be nervous and excited and imperfect (that unintentionally sounded like a Taylor Swift lyric). That’s part of dating, and it’s part of life. As long as you act with care and sincerity, I think you’ll navigate this just fine.

*Name has been changed.

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