I Think I’m Emotionally Cheating On My Boyfriend

Q: I met someone at work and have gotten close with him really fast. Lately, our conversations have gotten flirtier, and we’re opening up to each other about a lot — I’ve even told him about the issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. This guy has been super supportive and never crosses any physical boundaries, but I think he might have feelings for me.

I feel guilty because I know my boyfriend would be upset if he knew. But at the same time, I love talking to this guy and don’t want to stop. Is this wrong? — Molly*

A: Hi, Molly! Based on the fact that you wrote to me, I have a feeling you know this is a problem. I don’t want to guilt-trip you for getting emotionally attached to someone new — crushes happen, even to people in relationships — but I do think you need to figure out a plan of action ASAP. Either you take several steps back from this workplace friendship and keep things professional, or you end things with your boyfriend.

As you decide how to proceed, I’d encourage you to check in with yourself and think about what you really want. You say your co-worker “might have feelings” for you, but you don’t share if you feel the same way. Are you romantically interested in him, or are you more so enjoying his attention but not reciprocating his feelings?

Let’s map out both scenarios so you can sit with them.

Option 1: You set better boundaries with your co-worker. You may not have crossed any “physical boundaries” with him, but that doesn’t mean this whole thing is aboveboard. Cheating can mean more than just kissing or hooking up with someone who isn’t your partner. If you’re sustaining an ongoing, knowingly flirty dynamic outside your relationship — and you know it would hurt your partner to know about it — you’re being dishonest, and that’s edging up on emotional cheating territory.

Also, considering your co-worker’s potential feelings, it’s not particularly kind to keep flirting with him and talking so intimately when you both know it can’t progress any further. For both of your sakes, you need to take a friendship break to recalibrate.

Right now, you’re trying to have your cake and eat it, too. This isn’t fair.

Assuming you’ve decided to put a stop to this, should you tell your boyfriend what happened? People will argue both sides of this debate, but my general take is that if you’ll be holding guilt and shame about it, you should talk to him and get it out in the open. If the flirtation hasn’t gone very far and you’re seriously prepared to move on (and I mean seriously), you might cause your boyfriend unnecessary pain by bringing it up after the fact. Think carefully about this decision, and please put your partner’s feelings and agency first.

Option 2: You break up with your boyfriend. Judging by the details you provided, it sounds like you’re craving a different emotional and romantic outlet than your BF — not to mention you’re doing something that would hurt him, but you don’t feel guilty enough to stop. If it’s that important to you to maintain this flirty friendship, even at the potential expense of your relationship, it may be time to reconsider whether you want to be dating your boyfriend at all.

Right now, you’re trying to have your cake and eat it, too. This isn’t fair and will likely result in pain for one or more people involved. You need to make some hard choices and also think about how you’ll prevent this from happening again. I’d recommend digging into the situation with a therapist. There’s a difference between developing a crush — something you can’t always prevent — and acting on that crush. You’re playing dangerously close to fire here, and you need to change course before things go up in flames.

*Name has been changed.

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