How To Turn Your Life Into A Cheesy Holiday Rom-Com

As the world descends into madness, I would like to suggest the only viable solution. It’s not “voting” or “composting.”* It’s leaning so far into the holidays that you are lying down. What we need right now is the bland, comforting escapism of a holiday rom-com, where every tale has a happy ending no matter how many egregiously wrong moves are made — including but not limited to: visiting an alternate timeline, trying to save a Christmas-related business, or trying to cancel Christmas altogether.

In an unpredictable world, it’s time to embrace the line-by-line predictability of literally any festive movie — think The Holiday, Happiest Season, or Let It Snow — where the main couple always ends up together and everyone is full of unwarranted cheer.

You know what? Let’s take this even further and bring these plot lines to life. Who's to say it isn’t delusional to live in the real world nowadays, and positively healthy to turn yourself into the star of your very own holiday rom-com? And just to be clear, you don't have to celebrate Christmas to make this project your whole personality — a Jewish screenwriting couple is behind no fewer than 30 Christmas blockbusters.

Without further ado, I’d like to present the following guidelines for your life through the end of the year.

Take A Major Ethical Stand At Work Or School Right After Thanksgiving

This is coming up, so it’s time to start brainstorming. Is someone reheating fish in the communal microwave again? Do you need to convince your co-worker that the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship is worth all the hype it’s been getting? Is cereal a soup?

After you take said stand, you will then strut out the door in a fit of moral superiority and parade through the streets, heading home for what you’ve just decided is a long weekend. Then, while riding high in a state of elation with no goal other than celebrating your win with your boyfriend, you throw open the door and he must be caught cheating on you at this exact moment. This is crucial. Make sure he’s on board with this. If you’re already single, this part can be staged.

Voila. From this rock-bottom place, you can begin the rom-com journey of being wildly unhinged in an unnerving quest for a Man Who Is Absolutely Not Right For You. It’s time to text every ex, pursue every boss, and make positively unhealthy choices — from men to baked goods.

Have Some Kind Of Disastrous Transportation Issue With A Magical Resolution

Book your holiday flight home, wait for it to inevitably get canceled, then share a van across the country with a car of hot singles. Make sure to change your destination to wherever your new crush is headed, because that is stable. The car must also contain a polka band.

While Home, Hit On A Former Crush Who Now Has A Wintry Job

Throw caution and feminism to the wind and chat up that local guy you always overlooked who thinks you’re way too ambitious, but wow, now he’s a Christmas tree farmer! I’m sure that after the holidays, you’ll still have tons of things to discuss for the other 11 months of the year.

Enjoy holiday pastimes such as arguing about the fate of your small town, and then realizing that he is actually Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. Lori Laughlin can then appear and complete your job applications for you when you regain your sanity early next year.

Set Up A Holiday Side Hustle Involving Chocolate & Probably Peppermint

Use your impending holiday vacation time to set up a side hustle. I suggest a holiday pop-up truck where you sell only different flavors of hot chocolate. Make sure to park in the neighborhood that just so happens to have the highest concentration of singles, or see where you get the most Tinder matches and then just drive there.

Go To A Foreign Country & Switch Places With A Royal Who Looks Exactly Like You

This seems to be a theme, and I’m sure it’s based on some kind of historical evidence, right? Besides, royals are always looking to get out of their privileged royal life and will happily switch places with you, at which point you can fall in love with a real-life prince. And if Meghan Markle has taught us anything, it’s that yes, you can transport him home once the sheen has worn off.

Visit A Mall Santa

If international travel is out of the question, journey to the mall for more peak commercial Christmas. No, I’m not going to tell you to hit on Santa: He’s busy. But he’s surrounded by elves, who I’m willing to bet are single. There are also too many of them, and they won’t be missed. Later, you can affectionately call your new boyfriend Buddy and help him find his father.

Dive Headfirst Into An Inadvisable Relationship

Love, Actually showed us that love is best when there’s a 1950s-era power dynamic, such as dating someone twice your age who is also your boss and married, dating someone twice your age who is also your boss and is the prime minister, or dating someone twice your age who is also your boss and doesn’t speak your language.

I can’t formally endorse you hitting on your boss or a prime minister (unless you’ve traded places with a royal; see above), but this could be a decent path to learning Portuguese, which ultimately makes for a productive holiday season.

Get In Touch with One Of Those Christmas Ghosts

Get out your Ouija board, because it's time to summon the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. In fact, I’m pretty sure if you summon a ghost during Christmas, it has to grant you three wishes. Also, as a reminder, this woman married a ghost, so there could be a love story here.

As a bonus, time traveling with the Ghost of Christmas Past is a great way to get in touch with an ex without having to actually text him. At the very least, you can visit him and remember why you broke up in the first place.

*It is both of these things.